If I’m completely honest, there have been many times in the last two years where I haven’t felt like enough. That’s super vulnerable to admit. But maybe it’s important for someone else to hear and realize. If you’ve had those feelings you are not alone! I’ve felt like I’m not enough in a job where I was taken advantage of repeatedly. Where expectations were high, bosses were unfair, and compensation was low. I’ve felt not enough in dating. The constant swipe, the empty words and broken promises, the repeated dead ends.
I have to remind myself that I’m human. So what I am feeling is normal to an extent. I’m human and there are trials and tribulations and lessons along the way. But they are human as well. They aren’t perfect, no one is. And because of our humanity, we don’t always show up in positive, full bodied ways. We do shitty things, or act rude. We don’t always have the capacity to show up for others. And for whatever reason I’ve run into that a lot this year. People without the capacity to understand or receive me. I told a friend recently that all of it made me wonder what the learning is in all of it; what is G-d trying to teach me?
Though I’ll never know for sure His intentions, I think I’m supposed to be finding pieces that will come together and be embodied by one person. “Oh you didn’t think this existed? Let me show you this trait in one person. But ‘no’, he isn’t the complete person for you…” Things don’t always work out how we want them to. There’s a reminder in there that not everything or everyone is meant for us. Not everything or everyone is meant to stick around. And sometimes it is hard to let go. Sometimes it is hard to want something so much, and yet to have things fall so short.
At the end of the day I know my worth. And I know I’m not willing to settle. I know what is important to me. And I know what I need/deserve. I’m pretty secure in my life course at this moment, which is a beautiful thing. I would like to find someone who walks alongside of me in the journey and amplifies what I already have. But the time is not now, and so somewhat unsuccessfully I try to be patient.
I still get into “what if” spirals sometimes. And I have days where I don’t feel anxious at all. It’s a big back and forth as I process through gobs of emotions and experiences from the the last year plus. But it’s exactly why a break is needed. Room and space to just be, to listen to what is meant for me, to reground myself and have a fresh (more directed) start. Time to just be without putting in effort to things that were draining me (more than I realized). It’s finding new rhythms, a new balance. It’s about going to my core and making sure that continually shines through, regardless of who it does or doesn’t draw near.