amani: paix: peace

Funny that last week was the Sunday in Advent is known as Peace Sunday. It was the first day I felt back to myself–by that I mean back to the core of me (because really each segment of our lifetime brings forth a different me/us). I don’t think we ever really go back to ourselves, we just forge new selves. But we do have a core, and I think sometimes we can be separated from that core. For the first time in forever, I feel fully in tune with (or retuned to) that core. Do you have those moments (long or short) of feeling out of sync with yourself, with your true self? It hasn’t happened often for me, but I’ve been there a couple of times in my life. I think that this time has been the longest occurrence, and I’d love to thank 2020 for that, but I have some feeling this wandering would have happened even without a pandemic in our midst.

About halfway through the year I felt a pull in my core, I knew big shifts were coming. It’s a hard sensation to explain if you’ve never felt it: to me it was a message from the divine (whether you call that God, Holy Spirit, Universe, etc). It’s an energy in my body that wakes me up and pushes me to pay attention, a shock to my system. I don’t think you always see and feel the shift until you are on the other side, at least that is my experience. But I knew it was coming and I prepared myself. This shift has brought me back to my self. I’ve been able to refocus and recenter. I’ve been able to tap into my own needs and wants (mind, body, and spirit). It’s helped me feel more at peace and concentrating on the here and now.

It’s easy for me to put others first. As an empath I am deeply aware of the feelings and energies of others. Sometimes so much so that they cloud my own emotions. To a fault, I pour into others way more than myself (working on doing better). But there are times that I cater to others, unconsciously, and want what they want instead of what I want. Those are the moments that I listen to the (mind, body, and spirit) needs of others instead of my (mind, body, and spirit) needs. SHIFTING. Well now I’ve woken up: I can pay attention to the needs of others while still keeping my own needs first. I can invest in others while still making sure I don’t ignore or sacrifice myself. The need to reclaim myself is long overdue. So what does this look like?

  • Spending time every morning with a mindfulness journal (shoutout to my Group Counseling small group and our over use of mindfulness/stress/anxiety).
  • Journaling about my day and what is on my heart before I go to bed every night.
  • New workout plan! Including routines from The Be.Come Project (doing at least 3 times a week). Check them out here.
  • Back to better eating. More fruits. More veggies. More lean meats. Less processed. Less sugar.
  • Taking a break from dating apps–though still open to set ups 😉
  • Intentional connecting with friends and family (mostly virtual these days).
  • Turning off my phone at a certain time every evening.
  • Reconnecting with my creative side: spending more time making content for my creative IG: curlysedgecreative; collaging; letting ideas run rampant.
  • Mantras…whenever I feel misaligned.
  • Breathing more, letting the little things effect me less.

It feels like a really great way to be heading into 2021.

I leave you with the recording below. I’ve been reflecting on it this morning as I’ve had it on repeat. I think it is a good lesson and reminder and will help me refocus for the last several weeks of 2020.

music by Courtney Bolinson, written by Dennis Lambert and Brian Potter

Slow. Down.

Do you ever have those moments where certain words or phrases just stick with you? Maybe you think it means one thing and come to find out later it meant something else. Or maybe you associate it with one person but then realize it’s pervasive and shows up in multiple places. Maybe you try and fit the phrase into a tight little space of what you want it to mean and the universe laughs and reminds you that your perception isn’t always reality.

For the last 4 or so months I’ve been sitting with a phrase. It came at first in a very specific situation. Promises and smiles and reassurances. Then it came and felt like a slap in the face. Broken promises and one-sided smiles and no assurances. And then I heard it from multiple people, not tied to just one. So I started to take note. Then it was everywhere. Everywhere. And I couldn’t overlook it, or feel the trauma of my own associations. But I had to listen. I believe many occurrences, repeatedly, couldn’t be chance.

So what have I heard, what’s been the message? Slow and Steady. It’s triggering at points because of what it meant (or what I thought it meant). But I also know it means something bigger than all of that, it does. It’s relieving at points because it reminds me that I don’t have to have everything figured out, that what needs to be revealed will be so in time. Honestly, I’m grateful for this lesson, and I am grateful that it transcends where it originally cropped up. It solidifies in me the purpose is bigger than one thing or one person. This lesson, this reminder, holds weight for many areas of my life. And it tells me that even though I am not patient by nature, that my patience will be rewarded.

It’s the reminder that I’m half-way through my grad program. And though I’m ready for the school work and projects and papers and exams to be over, I need to slow down and keep everything in check. It’s the reminder that I owe myself grace in the work that I am doing—things are rapidly changing (in ways predictable and unpredictable) and what I am doing is enough and things will find their new rhythm soon. It’s the reminder that online dating is weird. And though I know more and more about what I want, I need a break—dating with numbers elevated and such is freaky—not to mention people have very different trajectories currently than they may normally.

And so I’m slowing down. I’m listening to nudges from the universe and God’s whispers in my ear. I’m giving these things space and time. I’m breathing more and (hopefully) stressing less. Slow and steady things will fall into place. Slow and steady I am receiving more of what is meant for me. Slow and steady I’m stepping into my magic. I refuse to let “slow and steady” scare me or hold me back or make me feel like I missed out or something or lost someone. Slow and steady just means being more aware, using my intuition, and not letting others dictate my direction and growth. And I’ll keep listening to where else and how else this applies. All in time. Patience.

Short. And Sweet.

Growth. This year has been about growth (really every year has been). But take it in, lovebug. Breathe deep and soak it all up. You have grown. And you get to repurpose what you thought was lost or left behind. You have been reclaimed—you reclaimed yourself, because you got lost along the way. But you are right here. Right now. You bloomed through it, right where you are planted. You grew.