Oh boy. This one is tough to write, it’s tough to admit. But as always, writing is cathartic and sometimes you just have to get ish out on “paper”. And so here it goes…
This morning was not what I expected. I slept well. It was a lazy morning. But damned if that wasn’t overshadowed somewhat quickly and without warning. A punch. Straight to the gut. Part of me felt excited; most of me just felt sad. Cue the instant grief. Cue the instant reaction in my body. Cue the throwing my phone down forcefully. Cue the brink of waterworks (that never actually came).
I’m not one to ignore others. I don’t write people off easily. I don’t know that I ever truly stop caring about someone no matter the happenstance of our situation or how long we’ve been part. It’s just not in my nature. But it also doesn’t mean that I constantly think about them. There is a time when people flow to the back of my brain and no longer hold residence in my consciousness.
But when they resurface, whether in person or virtually or whatever, they definitely get yanked from backstage and thrown into the spotlight. And today that instance came with lots of emotions, lots of feelings, no questions but a few wonderings. I remind myself that it’s okay and necessary to show up and feel what I am feeling. It is also imperative that I don’t get stuck in the land of “what if’s” because those aren’t real. I’ve grown. I’ve moved forward. And I show up differently these days. I will be responsible for my words and actions of the past; I won’t be defined by them. I choose to do better. I will extend olive branches and lean in to being me in each moment.
And I will listen to my own needs and not fault others for their needs. So when I felt overwhelmed and jittery and uncomfortable this morning, I laced up my shoes and went for a jog. Fresh air, body movement, and processing. All of which were good for the soul. I think a nap is in my future. And maybe a bath. Self care is essential. Boundaries are essential. Keep showing up even when it’s hard. Even when you think the odds are against you. Just show up. Name what you are feeling and keep going forward.