Surprise: I’ve been doing some deep thinking. I’ve been spending much of my down time reading. Mostly, so far, I’ve been diving into non-fiction. I’ve read 7 books thus far in 2021 (and on to book 8). It helps me do something other than mindlessly scrolling social media or binging television from the couch. And it’s been easier to do since classes haven’t resumed yet. I’m a habitual annotator. And so these books come out highlighted and marked up. But they also serve to instigate some personal introspection. I feel like I’ve lost that the last month or so: my commitment to looking deeper at what is going on in my life, determining the capacity at which I am operating, and learning from what has already occurred. But these books have been a kick in the pants. So many inspiring words. So many similar things. So much insight into my own self and being. It’s helping me reclaim my magic.
Part of that has come with personality enlightenment–a deeper understanding into me. Who I am now and who I am trying to be. Uncovering more and more about how my brain works and how that makes me, me. And when I read something that clicks, it gives me a sense of relief–knowing there are others like me, or that I’m not the only one. (I know, irrational thoughts to think otherwise). Every little bit I learn that applies to me helps me grow and evolve. That is a part of my core, my being. Learning and improving and trying to be a better me each and every day. The dog-eared pages are ones I will return to–because there is much from those 7 books that I want to return to: things I need to remember, things I need to embrace, things that I may need to be hit over the head with a few times.
Part of that has come with relationship enlightenment (romantic and otherwise)–a deeper understanding of how I operate in relationships, and what I need from relationships, and patterns within my relationships (the positive and the negative). I’ve learned to find my non-negotiables (though sometimes I forget they exist or that they apply in all instances). After a series of failed attempts the last few months (that sounds way more depressing than it is, but I don’t know how else to phrase it) I thought about putting myself out there again. I was ready to jump back in to the online dating world. But something that was said in a conversation I was privy to the other day made me reconsider. It made me do a deep dive of my dating habits from 2020 until now. And I was gobsmacked because I did not realize the timeframe of things. It all lines up; back, to back, to back. Ducks in a row with little separation between them. A complicated “friendship” (March through May). The commuter (June). The short-lived one offs (July). The first dater and the shock of a lifetime (August). The situationship (August-October). The voter (Halloween Weekend-Election Day). The devout Christian (brief days in November). The setup (a flop). The rescheduler (December-January). Woaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Insert many mindblown emojis here. When it’s plotted out I wonder how I breathed.
But this made me realize what a breather I need. A break, a respite. A chance to reconnect with me and who I am outside of trying to date. That feels really weird to say. It feels strange to admit. But it’s relieving (and funny, because the only person who has been putting pressure on me is me). And so, I am becoming okay with taking that break. Continuing to work through emotions associated with some of those connections from the last year (more the happenings, not so much the people). I reentering and returning to finding and claiming my own magic, my own unique and individual place on this earth. I’ve said it before that during this pandemic I lost myself in many ways. And I’m working to bring her back. One day at a time. One lesson at a time. One experience at a time. There are certain things I won’t forfeit anymore. Most of all, me.
I’ve also had enlightenment in terms of life trajectory, what is important, and why I was put here on this earth. It’s funny what stands out when you are doing the inner work. It’s funny how life can change at the drop of the hat. It’s funny what always manages to stick. We’ve all learned what is important, what we value, how we can stand up and raise our voices, where to place our trust and spend our energy.
Magic may be my word for this year. And I may be seeing it crop up in many places (and have friends who share their own sightings with me as well). But I am holding fast to my mantra (or rather my nightly prayer of sorts): more of what is meant for me.
Thankful for Maggie Smith’s Keep Moving. It’s lessons are deep and deeply moving.