I Forgot That You Existed

The last two weeks have been bumpy. Silence. Confusion. Hurt. Tears. Anger. Worry. And back through the cycle. I’m nothing if not an emotional person. And at one point in my life I would cower from that distinction, try and shove it down, and not admit that I was feeling what I was feeling. But that state is long gone. I know my emotions are important, and powerful, and not much (if any) good comes from denying their existence.

These weeks have taught me a lot. About myself and what I need, and what I value. About dealbreakers (because let’s be honest, I didn’t think I really had any…I’m generally pretty flexible and accepting). I’ve been reminded that not everyone stays in our lives forever: reason, season, and lifetime (as the saying goes). I’ve been reminded not to waste time on those who make it pretty dang clear they don’t want to give you the time of day.

I’ve said it probably a million times, but I don’t give up on people easily. But you can want the best for people without them being a part of your life. And that’s where I am. The people who have chosen to walk out of my life (with or without explanation) are still people I wish the best for in the grand scheme of things. Sure, I may have imagined initial ill-will for them, but that’s short lived. We are all humans, we fight our own internal (and external) battles, we struggle, we don’t always show up and when we do it isn’t always as our best selves, we make mistakes. But there’s a lot to be said for how we handle the aftermath of any of those situations. Actions and reactions matter, arguably more than words.

If nothing else, I’ve learned more of what I need, what things I can compromise, and how deep my grit actually runs. I’ve learned about behavior I won’t stand for as a 32 year old woman. I’ve learned where my own communication is lacking. I’ve learned that no matter how much you give, not everyone can or will do the same in return. I’ve remembered that the actions of other people don’t mean much (if anything) about me–and I may never understand why they do what they do. But I can control my reactions to them, and I can wish them the best while respectfully walking away. When I engage and invest, I show up in a very full way. I’m honest and open about some of my own shortcomings and how that plays out in times of joy and times of stress. But it doesn’t mean I’m perfect. We can all do better. And not all of us are meant for one another.

It’s okay to move on (whether your choice or the result of someone else walking away). The hardest part for me is getting out of my own head. I’m mostly on the other side of that stage, thank goodness. I know what I don’t want: I don’t want that person to be a part of my life. The memories and lessons will remain. But yesterday I realized, they don’t get to stake a claim over any part of me anymore: mind, body, or soul. I choose to move forward, growing more fully into my best self, ready to tackle the next thing that is in store for me. I decide to play into my strength, my ability to learn, my creativity, my humor, my friendships, my power. And so I have a new temporary rallying call, “fight” song. What’s not important loses weight.

This. On replay. Because the sentiment of “being over it” rings true, even though you don’t ever really forget that people existed.

I’m a big fan of lessons. I’m a big fan of growth. I’m a big fan of quotes. And I’ve found that second to a really amazing core group of girlfriends, that quotes have given me the best reframe and direction for my life and my intentions at this stage in the game. No matter how many times you’ve been through it, no matter the length of time, no matter the situation: you can always come away with some new insight about yourself. And that’s the gift in the middle of all of the confusion and hurt and feet to the fire.

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