Rattled

After hearing from many how raw and honest and refreshing a few recent blogs have been, I’m hoping to open up and show up in new ways. As always, these are for me and not for others. But the added benefit is sometimes someone else gets something out of them. And it’s wonderful to hear feedback along the way (keep it coming).

For the most part I’ve been navigating this “new landscape” surprisingly well. It isn’t an environment I enjoy and I definitely struggle with it, but one day at a time I’ve been making my way through. This week, however, has been the worst yet. Maybe it’s because we started summer intensives for school (one week in and they are already overwhelming). Maybe it’s because I still feel unsettled and a drift and have been navigating between two households. Maybe it’s because I miss seeing and interacting with my people/tribe/core group. Maybe it’s because whether real or imagined life feels lonely and bland and like I’m stuck in a Groundhog’s Day loop (cue the radio alarm clock, and “Phil? Phil!!!”).

I haven’t quite put my finger on it, and likely it’s a mix of many things compounded. But I feel anxious. It makes me operate from places I’ve tried really hard not to operate from. When I spend too much time in my head I get sucked into bad/unhealthy patterns. I spend too much time thinking about my feelings an worthy compared to/assessed by others. Not something I’m proud of, and it feels like slipping back into old patterns that I worked so hard to get away from but I have to acknowledge it and feel it and accept it before moving through it to the other side.

As an enneagram 2 I place a high value on connection—that’s just one of the many reasons this quarantine has been difficult. I find virtual connection a poor substitution for being in person with my people. Typically I am the one who reaches out to my friends—by text, phone, or to initiate hangs. This can be a struggle sometimes as I balance feeing too needy versus feeling people don’t care enough to ask me—both heightened extremes. But in quarantine I’ve found myself not initiating as much. It’s not because I don’t love people, or don’t want to—I feel somewhat stifled and paralyzed by it. In this climate my gut isn’t to reach out the same way, somehow it’s overwhelming. I can only take in and take on so much. And so I have to force myself to concentrate on me more than others. Which is a 180 for me in many ways. My personality is normally to give and give and give to others before myself. The quarantine is surely giving me opportunities to learn. And I’ll come out a different (better?) person on the other side. But it’s mind boggling right here, right now to see the way it’s affected who I am/who I’ve been at my core.

And that’s all okay.

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