Cyclical

I’ve been writing this blog in my head since my last post.  Writing and rewriting and editing and scrapping everything because it didn’t feel right.  Not the right time, not the right place, not what I needed right now.

Grief does two things to me I have found:  it pushes me inward and closes me off from the world around me–it causes me to focus on me and my tight knit circle who I love and trust.  But it also does somewhat of the opposite because it also makes me super needy–I covet communication with my closest friends–I covet their support and words and love and embrace.  I reach out often, probably way too much.  I become that girl.  And sometimes I fear it makes me too clingy and overbearing.

I’ve cancelled a lot of plans recently.  It’s nothing against those people or events.  I just am discovering more and more what I need.  And I am allowing myself to hold fast to that.  I have no apologies for it.  Explanation when it involves members of my tribe, but never apologies.  That wouldn’t be true to me or what I need.  And just a word of warning–I don’t plan to apologize for doing what I need to in order to grieve.  My grief is mine, no one else’s, and I won’t be held to someone else’s expectations of what my process should look like.  I have to proceed in ways that will heal me and help me grow. So, if I am not reaching out to you: first, don’t be offended but second, please don’t try to insert yourself.  I can only handle so much–and I decide when and what that is. I am sure in your mind its a nice sentiment, but it’s not helpful at this point. I want to be as authentic and real as possible, but I do try to avoid hurting feelings along the way. However, I’m at a place where I can’t forfeit my well-being for someone else’s. I’ve been reminded a lot this week to “do me”. And in an effort to do just that I put out the disclaimer because otherwise it will lead to 1) me coming across as rude in my blatant dismissal of whatever you put forth or 2) my strained, half-hearted, insincere appreciation that is unfounded and untrue.  And those aren’t fair to anyone.  Grief hasn’t hardened me, not in this way.  It has helped me get back to the core of me.  And so, this may seem unseen or unusual–but I have to have authenticity.  Anything less creates chaos for everyone involved.

Thank you to those who have let me cling. To those who have reminded me being “self-centered” is okay. To those who have seen me at my worst and keep coming back. Thank you for listening to what I need. This next week is going to be unbearable. It’s going to shake me to my core. I know I’ll be stuck in a fog of sorts. In some ways I already have been. It won’t ever be solved. It won’t ever disappear. But I do believe it will change and evolve and teach me things along the way. It’s already taught me loads about who I need to be and what I need to go from day to day. It’s taught me about self-care and being unapologetically me. It’s taught me about who I surround myself with and how to rely on my faith when all else fails. This entire experience has seen me grow, and if for nothing else I am humbled by that.

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