Dear Mom,

Happy Birthday! Let me start by saying not a day goes by without me wishing you were here: for the big and small moments. Holidays feel different without you. Getting together with Dad feels different without you. Hard to realize it has almost been 7 years without you. Where did the time go? You should know that all of us are happy, in our own ways. We’ve grown into people you would be proud of (there are enough friends and family around to remind me of this).

I wish you were here for my graduation and journey through grad school. For the day I told everyone that I wanted to pursue my LMHC and help as many young people as I can because I love my job but want to work with teens in addition to my babies.

I wish you could see how Shelly is thriving. How good she is at her job, and how valued she is at her school. To know the leadership roles she has taken, and the way she has (on her own) come out of her shell, always staying true to herself. It makes me really proud.

I wish you could have moments with Stacey and her little family. To see Sweeps grow up. To give him a better understanding of what a wonderful mom you were, and what a loving Nana you’d be. But I’m ever grateful you met Josh and were able to share in their wedding day. None of us were sure if that would happen.

It will always give me pause to know you won’t be here for my own wedding. Not that I wish life had happened sooner, I truly feel like it is unfolding as it should. And I’m in no rush. But I got a good one, mama. And there’s some of him that’s like Pops (and much of him that is not). One of my biggest longings will always be that the two of you could meet.

And on to your own love. He’s doing “okay”. There are parts of life that are a struggle, and always will be. But he has created several different communities for himself. And for that I am glad. He (and myself as well) needs those communities. That’s where and how he thrives.

We are happy, Mama. We are. But that doesn’t mean today will cease to carry a heaviness. It always will. And I talk about the things I wish you could see and do, as if you aren’t already. I have t0 believe you are still here, in the smallest and biggest ways.

And so we celebrate with grapefruit candies and Saving Grace. And we smile because our hearts are full of you.

Lots of Love,

S

My mom and I didn’t have traditional sleepovers. But there are some pretty strong memories of time shared in beds or at bedsides. I remember being a small child and climbing in between she and dad, under the covers. Early mornings flopping on her bed as she did a crossword or logic problem. There is an intimacy about beds, even from a platonic or familial stance.

This week I’ve been flooded by memories of seeing her, and being with her at the bedside of GVS. That was a LONG 5 months, but I’m so thankful for the intentional time it gave us. Even though in the moment it was stressful and draining and, at points, pretty gross. I loved being able to be “us”. We didn’t always get that time in the years after I moved out. But it is, and was, precious time indeed.